Ask Natalie! Dating a Married Man – Help!

LoveKeyboardDear Natalie,
After 4 years, if my boyfriend won’t leave his wife, that he is not in love with apparently, why do I even bother?
He can’t handle me being upset if he is “with her”, and he says he in no rush, and if I love him I should be able to wait….
How do I handle this?Toni

Hi Toni,

You don’t handle this! You run! If he loved you, he wouldn’t ask you to wait!

My question to you – “What is it about you that makes you think that you deserve a relationship with a man who’s not emotionally available and is married to someone else?

(He’s only partially available to you because he’s giving the rest of himself to his wife.)

If you are truly looking for lasting love, you should only be dating someone who has the same relationship goals that you do. And, he should be emotionally available to have a relationship.

This man is already in a relationship with someone else whom he is not willing to leave. As he says, “He’s in no rush.” He has not left his wife during the four years of your relationship.

I would suggest that you believe him. You have given him plenty of chances and time to leave. After four years, his message is clear. He is not only not in a rush, but he’s not leaving.

Many men will tell you whatever you want to hear in order to convince you to have an affair with them. Some will even say, “I will leave my wife when my kids go to college.” They rarely do.

Additionally, if he’s cheating on his wife, he will probably cheat on you once you’re married.– unless he gets a lot of therapy. Tigers rarely change their stripes.

I would not give him any ultimatums. They never work. Tell him that it’s obvious that you two have very different relationship goals. Wish him well. Then, explain that you need to move on with your life so you will not be taking any phone calls from him. Block his number on your cell and move on! And, stick to this. In other words, leave with class and dignity.

So, going back to my original question, it’s time to explore your underlying limiting beliefs about yourself, relationships, and others in order to examine why you think you deserve to share a man with another woman? Please refer to the chapter in my book, ” It’s a Match! The Guide to Finding Lasting Love,”  that shows you how to identify and clear limiting beliefs that sabotage you and your goals of finding lasting love.

Work through the exercises in the first few chapters of the book in order to clean out your emotional closet so that you are ready for a healthy relationship. Unless you do this, you will keep attracting the same type of man. He might not be married next time, but he still might be emotionally unavailable. So, if you want to stop repeating your patterns, you have to examine them in order to take a new path.

I know that breaking up with someone you love is hard. But, it will be just as hard or harder one or two years from now when you’re still the same place. Love yourself enough to do it now and learn from the experience.

Remember, you’re not a victim of your past and make the choice to empower yourself to make better choices.

Be kind to yourself as you heal from this relationship. Know that your lasting love is out there and that you will find him when you’re ready for him.

Good luck!!


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